General Mutterings and Musings

Mood: Heartbroken
Fuelled By: Nothing. Totally unfuelled.
Listening To: The overwhelming sound of silence

I am so hurt right now that I can physically feel it. A sinister darkness is enveloping me, and eating away at my very soul. I honestly never thought this would hurt so much. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out, stamped on, kicked around the floor and then given back to me.

Why was I so foolish as to believe that the sheer nature of our relationship would enable me to walk away so easily? Yes, it's been awful, horrendous at times - but deep inside me I am so very much in love with that man I first met. The man who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Even if it was only for a little while.

The nights are so hard

Paige

Mood: Thankful
Fuelled By: Friendship
Listening To: The Fray

In the last 12 hours my life has fallen apart. Yet, no less than 8 friends have either called, text me, or turned up on my doorstep. I am so utterly thankful for each of their friendships.

I honestly believe that in times like these we can take comfort in the presence of our friends. People who have no biological obligation to us, people who are just there because they want to be. It warms my heart to know that my friends will drive to my house in the middle of the night wearing pj's. Seriously. One did.

I have had many friends over the years. Some have fallen by the wayside (as is natural) and some have clung on for dear life through the inevitable trials and tribulations of growing up. Yet each and every person has taught me something, contributed to the tapestry that is my life, and changed me as a person.

I know that the next few months are going to be difficult. I have not only my own emotions to deal with, but those of my children. But I also know that with a little help from my friends I will survive.

Paige

Mood: Hurt, Angry, Fearful
Fuelled By: 2 cigarettes (even though I quit smoking 2 months ago)
Listening To: The Traffic

Last night my relationship ended.
Now, following on from my last post, it's a good thing. I can finally have my life back. The relationship has been dead for a long time, and it's been damaging for even longer than that. But, last night, I finally got the kick up the arse I so desperately needed.
For the third time, I was cheated on. More than that, I was utterly humiliated. I'm now left feeling pretty worthless. . .but I know that feeling will pass with time.
I'm not sure how to sum up an 8 year relationship in just one post. I guess I can only tell you that I lost sense of who I was as a person. Nothing I did was ever good enough, everything was cause to have have an almighty row, I never felt loved or respected or wanted. And now I'm free.

But. . . It suddenly occured to me last night that on Christmas Eve when my children are in bed, I am going to have to put the presents out by myself. I'm not sure why that one thing bothers me so much; especially when you consider that every Christmas Eve for the last 7 years I have been shouted at for one thing or another, but it just seems so lonely; playing Santa all by myself.

Im sat here crying, and it's not because of what I lost; but because of the time that was wasted, and what I never had. I know I will find the strength inside me to carry on, and I have wonderful friends and family who are incredibly supportive. I just wish my life had turned out differently, you know.

Paige

Mood: Reflective
Fuelled By: Diet Coke and Custard Creams
Listening To: The Rain

I guess this is the obligatory "read all about it" bit; where I divulge my life history in a vain attempt to come to some psychological epiphany about why I feel it necessary to write this in the beginning?
Hmmm , personally I'd much prefer jumping straight in and topping up the information bank as and when it becomes necessary. Is that acceptable?
I'm generally a people-pleaser of sorts, does that show?

Anyway, I have a half-arsed theory that people often start blogs when they come to a cross-roads in their lives; and need a space to organise their thoughts, and perhaps get some impartial input into the direction they should take.
Im sorry to say....I am no exception.
I am currently being half-dragged down one career path (by obligation, responsibility and a desperate need to prove I can succeed) when my heart is screaming at me to follow an entirely different path. A path which in no way guarantees me any propspects, or income, or indeed self-respect. (Haha, how funny, I sound like a wannabe hooker. Alas, no)
As a mother I have to do the sensible thing. Despite the fact it is becoming increasingly difficult.

Not unusually, there is also a love-drama thrown into this mix. Well, it wouldn't make very good reading were it not for a romantic interest or relationship turmoil now would it!? Please excuse my frankness....but I am in an entirely shit relationship. But hey, I'm working on it. (On leaving it, not fixing it)

I hope beyond hope that writing this, sending these random thoughts out into the cosmic void, will enable me to make some sense of things - and even pick up a few readers along the way. Feel free to share your wisdom with me, offer me a comforting word, give me a good recipe to make pasta interesting, or just tell me to get a grip. All are welcome here.

Paige